Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! They ruined Scotland! Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people. Willie: You just made an enemy for life! The primary goal, Domitrovik says, it to reassure people that street medics are supporters, making sure they know,'there are people that will take on some form of responsibility for them and they will be safe.' Like those surrounding the presidential election itself, questions of safety in the streets remain unanswered. Scots on the whole welcoming displaced people should not be a surprise, despite our not so friendly stereotypical global image. Or to quote the Simpsons. Principle Skinner – “You Scots sure are a contentious people.” Grounds Keeper Willie – “YOU JUST MADE AN ENEMY FOR LIFE”. Demoman: Heavies and Scouts are natural enemies–like English an’ Scots, or Welshmen an’ Scots, or Japanese an’ Scots, or Scots an’ other Scots! Damn Scots–they ruined Scotland! Engineer: You Scots sure are a contentious people. Demoman: You just made an enemy fer life!
“If this rattles the confidence of the public in Scotland then I can hardly blame them, and I can’t see what the option is other than (finally) honesty, full disclosure and reform.”
THIS TIME almost exactly two years ago I sat in a cafe close to Holyrood in a state of what I can only call shock. The enormity of what I’d just heard was sinking in; over the preceding nearly three hours I’d been introduced to all the gory detail of the plot against Alex Salmond. The last two years has at times been surreal for me as a result.
To explain what I am going to write next I need to tell you something about my fundamental beliefs. I have worked close to the power of government my whole life. I have studied and read widely on power. I am also a strong believer in social change.
Everything I have seen has driven me to the same conclusion; nothing is more important than integrity in public life. That may seem anachronistic to some (given modern political culture) and not particularly left-wing. But the positive change I want cannot be built on anything but the firmest of foundations; when corruption or misuse of power creeps into those foundations, nothing good can be built on them.
Some on the right of politics are anti-state and for them a discredited public realm has its uses. For the left, nothing good ever, ever comes from it.
There is no doubt in my mind that there was and is a coordinated plan of action created by a powerful group of people, developed and executed in secret but using public resources, all with the sole purpose of forcing a perceived opponent out of public life in Scotland.
I then have no doubt that when this plan was at risk of collapsing and exposing those who perpetrated it, they instigated a wide-ranging cover up. My suspicion is that it was not initially the intention to seek to jail Salmond, and that this was a result of an escalation to distract attention as part of the cover-up operation. Yet that is the direction in which this plan proceeded, nonetheless.
There is no greater abuse of power than to use it arbitrarily to remove someone’s liberty. This is absolutely not the ‘rough and tumble’ of politics. It has no place in Scotland. None.
At this stage I need to make some more things clear. This is no longer anything to do with Alex Salmond, his reputation, his career or his future. He was investigated thoroughly, tried in a court of law and acquitted of all charges. It is worth adding that he was not acquitted because his actions were ‘dodgy’ yet failed to meet the threshold of criminality but because the jury believed his defence that none of them happened.
It is not about contentious political issues such as independence or the Gender Reform Act. It is not about crucial social and cultural debates such as the Me Too movement. I am open that I believe Nicola Sturgeon has run a poor administration and has repeatedly misled the independence movement in a way that has harmed our chances of independence. But it’s not about that either.
Nor am I any kind of Alex Salmond fan-boy. This is not about a personal squabble or some ‘psychodrama’. It certainly isn’t some spurious debate about ‘civic’ versus ‘populist’ nationalism. The sheer volume of dust being thrown up to obscure what this is really about is in itself telling.
So you must clear your mind of all of these issues and focus on the sole and single issue this is about; are there people in a position of power in Scotland who misused that power in a manner which makes them unfit to hold office or employment? (If this gives you difficulty, perhaps remove the names and think in terms of ‘Politician A’ and ‘Civil Servant B’.)
In what follows I will try, carefully and without emotive language, to take you through how I reached my conclusions. I will seek very hard to only state as fact things that are public record, and to make absolutely clear where I am introducing my own opinion and analysis.
(There are far, far too many references to include throughout as this relates to thousands of disclosed government papers available here. Gordon Dangerfield has gone through many of those forensically on his blog here. I know there are strong views about Wings Over Scotland but that is the best place to find a number of documents which are redacted elsewhere. I have never at any point had access to nor specific knowledge of material not in the public domain but have broad awareness of what it is believed to indicate.)
But yes, I am of the decided view that people in a position of power in Scotland misused that power in a manner which is not acceptable. I believe that it started when a complaints procedure was created and designed to target a specific individual and pushed through over strong objections from the UK civil service.
In a position of power, you should never create laws or procedures for a purpose related to the pursuit of an individual; it represents a gross misuse of those powers.
I am of the decided view that the same people merged this process with the ‘grooming’ of complainants against the same individual, and on this a ruling of the Court of Session strongly suggests I am correct.
There are then too many details concerning the fundamentally improper manner in which this complaints process was subsequently pursued to cover here, but it is all documented and will reach the public domain eventually. This too was a gross abuse of power.
It seems that at this point, those behind these actions became aware of their risk of exposure as a result of legal arguments they had become aware of, and I believe this is when the cover-up began.
The first crucial element of this cover-up was for the most senior of government politicians to arrange a meeting to discuss sensitive government business at her house, seemingly deliberately doing so with the express intent of excluding civil servants from documenting this meeting and then subsequently, when caught, to knowingly and repeatedly to mislead parliament about that meeting. I believe this is confirmed by existing information in the public domain.
I then believe that, aware their position was coming into substantial jeopardy, the participants in this operation sought to move the focus away from their actions by escalating the matter to a criminal one by reporting information to the police, information they had access to for at least six months previously but did not act on (done against the wishes of the complainants).
At this point we have moved into the territory of the kind of behaviour we seldom see in western Europe. Certainly, seeking to jail someone for political expediency is something I did not believe I would see in Scotland in my lifetime. Pause must be taken here to take in the enormity of this.
As part of that process, I believe that a leak of information which is probably criminal in nature was carried out from within the office of the politician and on this the investigation of the Information Commissioner’s Office strongly suggests I am correct. I do not believe that it is feasible this happened without the authorisation of the politician (though I am aware of no hard evidence for this).
The affair now moves into two strands. The first involves continued efforts to cover up what has happened through the repeated failure to produce documents, even in the face of a Court Warrant, and in this a judge at the Court of Session concurs (on fact, not motive). This appears to be, on the face of it, contempt of court.
This also involves what I believe appears to be pressure exerted on Government lawyers to misrepresent facts in court up to the point where they threatened to resign (this latter point is public record).
The Scottish Government continued this behaviour in the face of at least one (and probably more) legal opinion that it would be ruled against but only admitted fault when more damaging material appeared to be about to be exposed. The ruling on the part of the Judge in this case was damning and the award made was extraordinarily harsh on the Scottish Government.
From there the cover-up, I believe, is fairly apparent, ranging from refusing to reveal legal advice to doing everything possible to avoid document disclosure to creating the remit of inquiries deliberately designed to prevent proper investigation of what has happened to repeatedly evasive and factually incorrect evidence given to a Parliamentary Committee.
The second strand involved the criminal case, and while there was some crossover of participants this was pursued largely by the apparatus of the political party of which the politician is a member. Much less of this evidence is currently publicly available, so I will restrict myself to saying that staff of that party appeared to have sought to maximise the number of complaints and put pressure on the police.
These two strands recombine during the resultant criminal trial, where there may be a case to be made that the repeated refusal to produce relevant documents represents an attempt to pervert the course of justice and contribute to the imprisonment of a man by withholding evidence relevant to his defence.
Perhaps the pinnacle of this for me is the testimony of Woman H, by far the most serious of the charges presented (attempted rape). Here the prosecution led no properly admissible evidence that she was even in the building where the alleged attempted rape took place. The defence led multiple pieces of evidence including reliable eye-witness testimony that she was never there.
The circumstances around this testimony are deeply concerning and it seems to be clear perjury. I can’t comment any more, but for me it sums up this whole sorry affair.
I haven’t even mentioned what I find to be the difficult-to-understand decision by the Crown Office and Prosecutor Fiscal Service to bring this case to court, nor its (for me) subsequent chilling pursuit of supporters of the man tried. I also have some concerns about what I know of the actions of the police. The role of some publicly-funded agencies and the publicly-funded BBC in the aftermath only contribute to my unease.
There is so much more, so much that will come out and this will be worse still than what you’ve seen so far. The damage I believe this is likely to do to confidence in the conduct of public life in Scotland is substantial.
That the politician is Nicola Sturgeon, the man Alex Salmond, the civil servants a group surrounding Leslie Evans and the party officials a group surrounding Peter Murrell (husband of Sturgeon) should play no part in affecting the details I have set out above.
I have never in my life called for someone to resign. If they should be fired, they should be fired; but resignation should be a matter of honour, so calling for it seems futile to me. But I can see no circumstances in which it should be acceptable for Nicola Sturgeon to remain in office. Any one of half a dozen the above acts perpetrated by a member of Boris Johnson’s cabinet would have the SNP demanding their head.
From there it seems to me to be a question only of how many of the civil servants and paid officials of the SNP should be sacked for misconduct. Some of the civil servants seem to me clearly to need to face contempt of court proceedings and there are a number of people involved who seem to me at least terribly close to ‘conspiracy to pervert the course of justice’ territory.
I want only to finish with a few thoughts on the ramifications of all of this, firstly for public life in Scotland.
I have made no secret of my growing concern about the state of democracy in Scotland nor the way public officials perform their duties. There seems to me now to be a messianic cult of impunity among far too many senior officials. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this has rattled my confidence in the health of Scotland as a nation right now.
There must be reform of governance in Scotland and a root and branch review of the civil service and its agencies. I struggle to understand how the Lord Advocate is still in post (what exactly is the ‘correct’ number of malicious prosecutions he can admit to in any given year?) and his existence as an active member of Cabinet is clearly contrary to EU law (enshrined in domestic law) that the Executive (government) and judiciary (legal system) are independent of each other.
If this rattles the confidence of the public in Scotland then I can hardly blame them, and I can’t see what the option is other than (finally) honesty, full disclosure and reform.
Talk of continuity in government during the Covid crisis is neither here nor there. If continuity means failure to ensure integrity, we have a bigger problem. Surely someone else can do a press conference every morning and no-one is asking health officials to resign. The vast majority of the SNP’s politicians are good and honest people who had nothing whatsoever to do with this; there will be no problem forming a strong working government.
Finally, the cause of independence. I have said over and over to the small group of people whom I’ve spoken to about this that harm was inevitable from the moment the ‘original sin’ of this affair took place.
In the last week there has been much chatter from people who support independence of the sort ‘but she’s so popular, can’t we turn a blind eye to this, at least for a while?’. I of course have sympathy for the many grassroots activists I so admire and who have been let down by this, but I have two responses.
The first is simple; directly before the Watergate scandal Richard Nixon had approval ratings of 68 per cent, substantially better than Nicola Sturgeon’s – and this whole affair has remarkable parallels with Watergate.
This will out eventually. I wish dearly that Nicola Sturgeon had found a dignified excuse to fall on her sword long before now and it might actually have been possible to avoid this (for now, if not for the history books). But she didn’t. Every part of this traces back to her, her team, her husband and her close confidants. If you’re angry about this (you should be) that’s where to direct it.
We sure as hell can’t afford this to dominate the 2021 Holyrood election and there is a very real risk it will.
But to return right back to the beginning, while I have sympathy to those wishing we could ‘turn a blind eye’, in the end that is the Ted Cruz/Mitch McConnell position – and how is that working out for them?
It is almost explicitly to say that you are content for a new Scotland to be born from corruption, so long as it is born. But I can’t tell you how much of a mistake that is – there is no redemption for us from such a stance. Our future, our nation must be born from honesty and integrity or you should want no part of it. I certainly don’t.
‘Just this one corrupt conspiracy and no more, we promise’ can’t be acceptable, can’t be how we carry ourselves into the future. Whatever price we pay for this we must pay, and we must then atone and rebuild. We can still win an election if we start right now.
I wish I had an alternative for you. I wish, I so deeply wish, this had never happened. None of it. Even now I wish I didn’t feel I need to write these things. But I do feel I need to, for my own conscience if nothing else. My silence would leave me feeling complicit and I can’t live with that. I would have written the same even for a leader I admired and supported.
And I have already lived for these two years with the knowledge of this wound deep into things I care very much about – Scotland, its future as an independent nation and its ability to be a much better place than one where a fifth of the people live in poverty.
We have been dragged here and whether it is now, during the election or in the months after when we should be moving purposely towards independence, this is all going to pour into the public domain like it or not.
And because it will poison all it touches, those responsible must remove themselves or be removed and rapidly be distanced from the cause of independence and Scotland’s public realm.
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- For other uses of 'The Simpsons', see The Simpsons (disambiguation).
22 Episodes by November 2, 2003 - May 23, 2004
Treehouse of Horror XIV[edit]
[Death arrives at the Simpsons house]
- Death: I have come for Bart Simpson.
- Marge: Bart, run like the 'wine-d'!
- Lisa: Mom, it's 'wind'!
- Marge: Well, I've only read it in books.
- Homer: This is for Snowball I and J.F.K.! [Hits Death with a bowling ball. Death's jaw falls out as he falls to the floor and 'dies'. His contract for Bart disappears as well as his reaper, which was holding Bart up]
- Bart: Cool.
- Lisa: Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death.
- Homer: Does this mean they'll never cancel The Jim Belushi Show?
- Lisa: I guess so.
- Homer: NOOOOOOOO!
Dealing With Contentious People
- Young Frink Jr.: I don't wanna go on this oceanographic expedition, father. I get seasick taking a shower. Clean, but nauseous.
- Professor Frink Sr.: Clean but nauseous! With the rolling and the heaving, and the - you make me sick! You've disgraced the name of John Nerdelbaum Frink.
- Young Frink Jr.: But, father, I...
- [Frink Sr. leaves and Frink Jr. cries]
- Professor Frink Sr.: [After he is revived] So, what am I? Some kind of Tin-Can Man from Planet Tomorrow?
- Lisa: Sir, your son has brought you back into the 21st century. It's a lot like the 20th, except everyone's afraid and the stock market is much lower.
- Professor Frink Sr.: Polly don't like that cracker!
- Professor Frink Jr.: Father, you're dying again, but I can bring you back to life, sir.
- Professor Frink Sr.: Son, it doesn't take 5 brains in your head to know that's a bad idea. You saw I had become a monster and you stopped me, like a man. I'm proud of you. Now it's time for me to go to Hell. Ohh, eeh, aah. Aah, ooh, eeh. Dead. [moves weirdly and drops dead]
- [Frink Jr. cries for his father's death]
- Mayor Quimby: People, Springfield is in Crisis. Fingers have been shoved up Noses, Pants have been pulled down and (Click) Mayors (Click) have (Click) been (Click) Repeatedly (Click) Humiliated.
My Mother the Carjacker[edit]
- Homer: [to Mona] Look, Mom! Look! I'm riding by myself! [enters a wrong lane and screams]
- Mr. Burns: [After he loses his case against Mona] Curse that groovy granny! This is America! Justice should favor the rich!
- Mona Simpson: [After stealing the prison bus and being chased by police. She gets on the radio to Wiggum] Granny to The Man! Granny to The Man!
- Chief Wiggum: [Reading from a Hippy/English dictionary] This is...The Man...I think it would...be a gas...if you turned that...Magic Bus around...and kept on truckin' to...our pig pad.
- Mona Simpson: I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back!
- Bart Simpson: Mom made the Oops Patrol. Hot damn!
- [On the bus taking Mona to jail, where the prisoners are having a good time]
- Female Prisoner: I hope this bus ride never ends...'cause I'm getting executed when I get off.
The President Wore Pearls[edit]
- Lisa: Nelson, you're running for school president?
- Nelson: I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.
- (A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
- Nelson: Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...
- Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, what are you doing?
- Nelson: Real-estate license exam?
- Mrs. Krabappel: My ticket to freedom!
- Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
- Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!
- (Bart picks up a brick and throws it at a window; however, it ricochets off the unbreakable glass and hits him in the head, knocking him out)
- Skinner: Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate 'Seymour Sucks!'
- Skinner: I'm so happy with my evil plan
- Say goodbye to music, gym and art.
- Soon we will have the perfect school
- Where fun and excitement never start.
- Willie: I'm so drunk I can barely see
- But it helps me get through another day!
- My stomach is filled with haggis and ham
- I've got to go puke in some hay...
- Bart: Lisa is a fool!
- Skinner: I think the rules are cool.
- Willie: I'VE FALLEN IN THE POOL!!
The Regina Monologues[edit]
- Tony Blair: Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.
- Lisa: Prime Minister Tony Blair?
- Bart: Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?
- Blair: Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.
- Homer: Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
- Blair: No, but thank you.
- Marge: Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
- Blair: There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
- Homer: The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
- Blair: Smashing.
- Lisa: Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
- Blair: I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
- [puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
- Homer: Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!
- English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips,(inside) now completely free of mad fish disease.
- Homer: Fish? I dunno, I'm not really a vegetarian.
- Teen: Please order, or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.
- Dench: Who are you talking to?
- English Squeaky-Voiced Teen: No-one, Mum, I swear!
- Dench: I'll Mum you!(punches him)
- Teen: Blimey--!
- [The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]
- Lisa: Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
- Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
- Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
- Rowling: [sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
- Lisa: [happily] Yes...
- [Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]
- Ian McKellen: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
- Homer: You mean MacBeth? (car splashes water onto Ian)
- Ian: Quiet you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!
- Homer: What, by saying MacBeth? (anvil falls on Ian's foot)
- Ian: Stop saying it!
- Homer: Saying what?
- Ian: MacBeth! Uh! Now I've said it (Ian gets struck by lightning)
- Bart: Oh, this is cool. MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth. (lightning strikes three times)
- Marge: Bart! Stop saying MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
- Lisa: Mom, you said MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
- Homer: Mr. MacBeth, I'm so sorry! (lightning strikes)
- Ian: That's quite alright, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
- Bart: Good luck!
- Ian: It's bad luck to say that too! (MacBeth sign falls on Ian's head)
- Marge: That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
- Madonna: I'm telling you! I'm English!
- Marge: English women don't pump gas naked.
- Homer: See ya in Atlanta, jerk.
The Fat and the Furriest[edit]
- Homer: That's it kids, suckle daddy's sugar ball.
- Bart: You're sneaking off to fight that bear, I wanna go too!
- Homer: No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name.
- Bart: Screw that, when I grow up I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass!
- Homer: That is so cool! Okay you can come.
- Homer: Are you a Care Bear?
- Care Bear: I'm an intensive care bear.
Today I am A Clown[edit]
- [A shot of a broken-down trailer. In front, a sign reads 'FOX Network World Headquarters.' Inside, Krusty the Clown has a meeting with Fox executives]
- Krusty: Well, since I'm fresh out of options, I guess all that is left is for me to get a show on... ugh... Fox. What do you say?
- Executive: I don't know...
- Krusty: Oh, come on, you guys are famous for taking a chance on useless crap!
- [Krusty is infuriated, because he doesn't have a star on the Jewish walk of fame]
- Krusty: Why don′t I have a star?! I'm a bigger name than... (squints) Chaim Potok?! What is he, a Klingon?!
Tis the Fifteenth Season[edit]
- Krusty The Clown: Now in the spirit of the holiday season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, 'sick kids' may include hookers with a cold.
- [Krusty chuckles]
- Homer: I love the holiday season. See you in spring, toes!
- [Homer is with Lenny and Carl at The Power Plant]
- Carl: Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.
- [Lenny hands Homer a DVD player]
- Homer: Oh, my god! A DVD player!
- Carl: And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.
- Homer: Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.
- Homer: Unloved by Al… Nooo! [Grim Reaper taps the sign] 'Unloved by all'? Noooooooo!!!!!
Marge versus Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays[edit]
- Cletus: They destroyed my home, and the equity I built up there in.
- Kent: Asked if he intends to take legal action the farmer replied 'I aint fungdified hi-de-hoo about no legrification, no ways.' Then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.
- Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I am a mother.
- Meeting Crowd: BOO!
- Marge: I'm also an American.
- Meeting Crowd: YAY!
- Marge: I bake apple pies.
- Meeting Crowd: YAY!
- Marge: And I like baseball.
- Meeting Crowd: BOO!
- Lindsey Naegle: I dream of an America with nudity and F-words on network TV. Where the whole world doesn't stop because a school bus did. Children are the future… today belongs to me!
- Meeting Crowd: [with their fists raised] YAY!
- Homer Simpson: You can’t change the rules in the middle of the game! We never would've had these kids if we thought we had to pay for them. Promises were made!
- Luigi: Hey, tough tortellini! I am a-sick and a-tired of printing a-children's menu! Let Mickey Meatball find his own way out of the maze! [spits] Apooey!
- Mel: We're sick and tired of buying overpriced tickets for your lousy school plays!
- Marge: Then how would we ever get to see Camelot?!
- Mel: We'll merely watch the movie on tape!
- Marge: Hmm..., is that better? Well, to me, Ralph Wiggum is Sir Lancelot.
- Ralph: [singing] If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer!
- Meeting Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!
- Lindsey Naegle: Ladies and Gentlemen! Let's kill every child... FRIENDLY THING IN TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!
- Meeting Crowd: [As they were dismissed to take actions] YAY!
- Squeaky-voiced Teen: It's time to put away my childish things... [in a deep voice] ...and become a man!
- Homer's Commercial: For more information, visit our website, www.aljazeera.com, we're not affiliated, we're just piggy-backing on their message boards. [Attempts to hypnotize the audience with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you! [Yes on 232 flashes quickly, but visibly] I am Rudy Giuliani, do as I command you!
- Homer Simpson: Marge! Wait! [tries to hypnotize Marge with a moving photo of Rudy Giuliani] I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer! I am Rudy Giuliani, you must forgive Homer!
I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot[edit]
- Lisa: I'm keeping you! You're Snowball V, but to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball II and pretend this whole thing never happened.
- Principal Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
- Lisa: I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian.
- Principal Skinner: I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball II.
- Bart: I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.
- Nelson: Ha,Ha! Your dad's not handy!
- Homer Simpson: Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!
- Professor Frink: Ah-I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics, with the Sci-Fi, and the so many Books, not too many Good, my Robot is programmed never to harm Humans, you see, only to serve them.
Diatribe of a Mad Housewife[edit]
- Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
- Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
- Lisa: This is horrible! What if Dad reads it ('The Harpooned Heart')?
- Bart: It's too long; he won't read it.
- Lisa: Well, what if it gets made into a movie?
- Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it.
- Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
- Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!
- Homer: I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?
Margical History Tour[edit]
- Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
- Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!
- Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
- Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
- Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
- Homer/Henry VIII: [Speaking in his sleep] Must sire a dude...must sire a dude...
- [Bart appears in a dream bubble as a prince]
- Bart: Father dearest, I am the son you crave. I am smart, athletic, and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this? [Burps loudly]
- Homer/Henry VIII: [Still dreaming] Oh, my beautiful boy! Why can't I have you?
- Bart: I dunno, too much jerkin' your merkin?
- Homer/Henry VIII: [Wakes up] Why you little-! [Chokes Bart through the dream bubble] Get out of my dreams and into my wife!
- Homer/Henry VIII: (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half) No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
- Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
- [Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
- Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?
- Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!
Animal House is a song by Homer:
- All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music.
- Animal House, House, House,
- Nobody ever went to class.
- Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass.
- Animal House, House, House,
- Animal House, House, House,
- Then they did the end like American Graffiti,
- Where you found out what happened to everyone...
- Homer/Hidatsa chief: [Greeting Lewis and Clark] Long have we awaited the coming of the white man...and Carl.
- Lenny/Meriwether Lewis: Thanks, and welcome to the United States of America.
- Carl/William Clark: Have a flag, and in the meantime, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.
- William Clark/Carl: Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!
- Sacagawea/Lisa: For the last time, those are SALMON!
Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore[edit]
- Groundskeeper Willie: It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
- Principal Skinner: You Scots sure are a contentious people.
- Willie: You just made an enemy for life!
- Billboard Homer sees while driving: Diamonds... because money equals love.
Smart and Smarter[edit]
- Simon Cowell: Well look who's back.. Pippy Non-Talking.
- Lisa: Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
- Marge: And even then he could only speak German!
- Simon: Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
- Philipa: 167? That's amazing for a Christian!
- Lisa: [horrified] But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?
- Simon: That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
- Lisa: [annoyed] Yes, thank you.
- [The family think they're about to die]
- Homer: Marge, I've always loved you. Bart, you were a worthy foe.
- [Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]
- Milhouse: What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
- Lisa: It's called 'Goth,' eternally clueless one. My new name is 'Raven Crow Neversmiles.'
- Milhouse: Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetery and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
- Lisa: Okay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]
- Milhouse: Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]
- Lisa: Lets try another one. A little harder.
- [Lisa shows Maggie the word octogenarian. Maggie points at Grampa.]
- Lisa: No, that's wrong.
- [Maggie points at Santa's Little Helper.]
- Lisa: [Sarcasticaly] That's right. This spells dog.
- [Lisa gets caught in act]
- Marge: [Angrily] Lisa! You are purposefully teaching her the wrong words. Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you. Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
- [Homer makes phonic frog say, 'I agree with your mother. You are a dissapointment to Huh, Oh, Muh, Eh, Er.']
- [Lisa has ran away from home]
- Marge: Lisa's gone, you have to find her!
- Chief Wiggum: Why can't you just accept that Lisa is old enough to look after herself. Back off and let her live her life.
- Marge: But she's only eight.
- Wiggum: Oh, I thought you said eighty. Well, we'll get right on it.
- Simon Cowell: [Offscreen during the credits] Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic, change it. More like 'Cart-Wrong'. Worst voicing ever. Finally, a real celebrity. Oh, good. More producers, just what they need! Him, I like. Yes, but what's he done lately. Very original Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell. Well done. [Sighs] I really don't care anymore…all useless. Do credits really have to go this long?
The Ziff Who Came to Dinner[edit]
- Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
- Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
- Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
- Lawyer: (whispers to Homer)
- Homer: Inseminate myself? (to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer) Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.
- Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron!
- Homer: A Mormon? But I'm from Earth!
- Marge: My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?
- Artie: Antisemitism?
- Marge: No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself!
- Artie: Marge! I think about a lot more than just moi. [In his thought bubble, a can-can kickline of Artie Ziffs appears]
- Artie Ziff can-can dancers: Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie...
- [Then a whole audience of Artie Ziffs, clapping to the music appears as well]
- Artie Ziff audience: Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff!
- Artie: Oh... My... God. She's right.
- Lisa: [As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.
- Homer: [Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
- Snake: [Approaching Artie] Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]
- Artie: Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Takes out a spray bottle and squirts Snake in the face, dousing his cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!
- Marge: Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
- Artie: [Notices other prison inmates smoking as well] Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The inmates circle around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Ooh, I'm gonna need a lot more water.
Co-Dependent's Day[edit]
- [Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic]
- Homer: I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. [singing] I am a lineman for the county. [speaking] Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. [singing] And I drive the main road. [speaking] There are...eight... calls ahead of you. [singing] And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.
- Kent Brockman: [to himself as he smokes a cigarette] Oh god, I love to smoke. [realizing the camera is on] We're live at the latest opening of the epic space saga 'Cosmic Wars'. And, the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.
The Wandering Juvie[edit]
- Marge: (sobbing) My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
- Homer: It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.
- (Marge continues sobbing)
- Lisa: You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement! [They both glare at Homer]
- Homer: Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
- Store Manager: Sir, some people want to use that dressing room!
- Homer: [in the dressing room with his trousers down]Dressing room? Uh-oh...
- Gina: [dancing chained to Bart] OK! Here's my rules. The inclusion is to no eye contact and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
- Bart: Don't worry, you won't. [Gina kicks him down]D'oh!
![Are Are](/uploads/1/3/7/6/137604066/229130152.jpg)
Mayor Quimby arrives at Bart's fake wedding with a young woman.
- Quimby: Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
- Young Woman: I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
- Quimby: [realizing] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!
- Warden: So, why do you want to be a guard here?
- Homer: I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
- Warden: Welcome aboard. (Holds a nightstick) This ends for beating. This ends for holding.
- Homer: When does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
- Warden: Well my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich. Turn on Will & Grace. And cry myself to sleep.
- Marge: Hmmmm. Would you like to join us?
- Warden: Didn't you hear me? I've got my evening planned! (He slams the door shut)
My Big Fat Geek Wedding[edit]
![You Scots Sure Are A Contentious People You Scots Sure Are A Contentious People](/uploads/1/3/7/6/137604066/685991315.jpg)
- Groundskeeper Willie: [after accidentally driving over a red ball] Oh my God, I've shredded a child! AGAIN![races to a nearby road, heading for the border] Venezuela, here I come!
- [at Moe's]
- Skinner: Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
- Homer: Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
- Skinner: Who are all of you people?
- Carl: We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
- Skinner: I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
- Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
- Skinner: [chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
- Chalmers: You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
- [everyone cheers]
- Homer: Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
- Skinner: (Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns) They told me it was Catman!
- Marge: Passion is for teens and immigrants.
- Milhouse: Mr. Groening, can you please autograph my Bender doll?
- Matt Groening: Sure. I'm happy to give anyone my autograph, anytime, anywhere. On the street, in a store, or on my private property. But why be happy with just an autograph? What about an original sketch or a snippet of my hair? And don't forget to pull my beard. They say it's good luck.
Catch 'em If You Can[edit]
- Moe: [emerging from 'Adult Video section'] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
- Bart Simpson: [Looking on an airline computer] So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City [Types on the keyboard] but their luggage isn't. [laughs] And Homer's getting a low-fat meal.
- [Camera cuts to a plane flying]
- Homer: [From inside the plane]Nooooooo!!!!
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
- Homer: I say you don't exist!
- Squeaky Voiced Teen: No, I'm right here under 'staff.'
[Homer and Marge bounce around in an inflatable house]
- Homer: This must be what it's like to be in space!
- Marge: You've been to space.
- Homer: And yet, I have never been to me...
Simple Simpson[edit]
- Host of Promiscuous Idiot's Island: Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. (the women gasp)
- Marge: (watching show) Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
- Host: This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
- Woman 1: (walking away) This was supposed to be about trust!
- Woman 2: (crying) I just want to get on that boat and go home!
- Host: Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.
- Bart: [Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!
- Homer: Quiet, the commercials are on! [Everyone looks at him] If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV!
- Homer: I'm no supergenius. Or are I?
- Homer: It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?
- Lisa: No, I think the expression is peg.
- Homer: Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.
- Krusty: [Showing his place setting] Check it out! Dribble glass! Rubber knife! Whoopie salad! [stabs his fork into the salad, which makes a farting noise; chuckles] And finally, the break-away wine bottle! [hits the bottle hard on his head, but it doesn't break] ...did not arrive. [collapses with a groan onto table]
- Chief Wiggum: [in Homer's imagination cloud] One more felony assault Simpson and you're going down.
Contentious Spirit In Scriptures
- Homer: [Stabs a knife into the bullet wound on his arm] Let's see. Cartilage. Cartilage. Muscle. [Screams] NERVE! [Blood spurts out] Artery. Bullet! [Flicks the bullet out of his arm]
[After Bart as Cupcake Kid holds a time watch in the deleted scene, making Nelson spin around inside the teacup ride, the kids are watching. Bart pulls the lever to stop, Nelson flies off on one of the spinning teacups. The ride slows down in a few seconds.]
- Bart: [holding a watch] A minute, and five seconds. That's a new record. Come on, let's go.
[A loud crashing sound is heard. Bart runs to Nelson, who looks ill.]
- Bart: Oh, no. Nelson. Are you OK?
- Nelson: No. I think I'm going to be sick.
- Homer: [After revealing to Lisa that he's the Pie Man] Any-hoo, this has to be a surprise, eh? Mild-mannered Homer Simpson...
- Lisa: You're not mild-mannered. You're often liquored up and rude.
- Chief Wiggum: Well, that closes the book on Pie Man.
- Lou: Wait, if Simpson wasn't Pie Man, then who was?
- Chief Wiggum: It's gonna be you if you don't shut up!
The Way We Weren't[edit]
- Homer: (talking to an empty beer bottle) You never got a chance to become my urine!
- Lisa: (working as the judge in 'Simpson Family Court') Now up, the case of Simpson v. Simpson.
- Homer: Mr. Simpson, do you think it's appropriate for a ten-year old boy to steal a beer with intent to kiss?
- Bart: Do you think it was appropriate to bet against your son's little-league team?
- Homer: Wh-? Permission to treat this witness as hostile? (takes out a baseball bat)
- Young Lenny: Now, Homer, if you're gonna go, you better take some protection. (gives him a switchblade)
- Young Homer: Whoo, a switchblade! (eyes it closely) I see the switch, but where's the blade? (camera moves out of the cottage, we hear the blade opening) OOOOWW!! Found it.
- Homer: This is so confusing. (turns to 'judge' Lisa) I'd like a brief recess.
- Lisa: Granted. (brings the gavel down)
- Homer: Whee! Recess! (runs out and goes swinging on a swing)
- Bart: Let me get this straight: when you were my age, you had the hots for mom and didn't even know it? Oh, that's cool! Or is that lame? I guess I'll go with lame. You're lame!
- Homer: Why? Because I only kissed one girl in my whole life? That's still one more than you.
- Bart: I've kissedthreegirls.
- Homer: (cries) I'm so lame!
- Camp Land-a-man instructor: Excellent. Girls, see how Marge's legs are slanted? You make Jackie O look like a splay-legged milkhorse. Now stand and walk.
- (girl Marge walks in an uncomfortable, 'proper' manner)
- Instructor: Well done. I'd be proud if you grew up to be my husband's mistress.
- Camp Flab-away instructor: So, you thought you could make a break for it, did you? Well, no one ever escapes from fat camp. 'Cause the only way out is up a gentle slope.
- Homer: Marge, I'm really sorry I hurt you, but I've done way worse stuff since then. There was the gun I hid from you, the time I sued the church, ruining Lisa's wedding in the future, remember that?
You Scots Sure Are A Contentious People Cast
- Homer: (going through his 'Memory Box') Whoo, a letter from my old pen pal! Someday I'll write you back, Osama.
Bart-Mangled Banner[edit]
- Willie: I know what you're hiding, lad. Willie's been deaf since the boiler explosion of 88. But I've taught myself to read lips.
- Guy: Morning, Willie!
- Willie: What did you say about my mother!? For your information her feet stank cause she works in manure all day, but it's still the best damn Starbucks in Glasgow.
- [Bart accidentally moons the U.S. flag]
- Rich Texan: How dare he?! That's the flag my grandpappy rebelled against!
You Scots Sure Are A Contentious People
- [Principal Skinner summons Homer and Marge into his office after Bart, accidentally, moons the U.S. flag]
- Skinner: Your child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war!
- Homer: To date.
- Marge: I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf!
- Skinner: Oh sure Marge, [shows Homer and Marge a file of photos] just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad spike through head Bart.
- Homer: Yeah, kids love trains.
- Lisa: [As the Simpsons swim away from Alcatraz] Swim for San Francisco!
- Homer: We're not made of money! We'll swim for Oakland!
- French Sailor: [to the Simpsons] Mes amis, we hate American too! Come to France, and we shall mock the country that saved us twice from the Germans!
Fraudcast News[edit]
- Kent: In tonight's face-off, I'll be debating Channel Six movie ghoulie Boobarella on the subject of our new boss C. Montgomery Burns. My view, he's a great leader and a gallant American.
- Boobarella: He's got a heart as big as my boobs!
- Kent: I guess we'll have to agree to agree on this one.
- Boobarella: Booobs!
- Mr. Burns: This is an outrage. Since when are public figures fair game for satire?
- Smithers: Well your goons did run her off the road sir.
- Mr. Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do.
- Homer: These batteries have to power everything in our house. (inserts Spice Girls tape) YO, I tell you what I want what i really really want what I want what I want I'll tell you what I want! (Batteries die) That was totally worth it.
You Scots Sure Are A Contentious People
- Homer: See Lisa, instead of one big-shot controlling all the media, now there's a thousand freaks xeroxing their worthless opinions.
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